When your child has a tantrum, especially one that seems out of the ordinary for their age, it can trigger all kinds of emotions—frustration, fear, or even self-doubt as a parent. How we respond in those moments can make a world of difference, not only for our child but for us as parents.
One of the most effective strategies I’ve learned is the concept of anchoring yourself to be a safe harbor for your child. This approach, inspired by the Jai Institute’s ANCHOR and HARBOR acronyms, has helped me shift from reacting to responding with calm and connection during challenging moments.
Let me share a personal story about how this framework changed how I handled one of my chidrens’ most memorable tantrums.
A Personal Moment of Parenting Growth
Years ago, my then 8-year-old son had a HUGE tantrum—something I hadn’t seen from him in years. I was overwhelmed with frustration and fear. I kept thinking, Isn’t he too old for this behavior? What am I doing wrong?
At first, I reacted with frustration, expressing my disbelief at his behavior. But my instinct told me there was something deeper at the root of this outburst. I knew I needed to approach it differently.
Everything in me wanted to yell or pick him up and put him in his room to calm down. But instead, I tried the opposite. I picked him up, held him close, and calmly reflected on how to manage my child’s tantrum. Desperately tapping into my maternal instincts to manage the tantrum, I posed a question that hadn’t crossed my mind until that moment. I calmly asked
“Are you upset because your big sister leaves for college tomorrow?”
The change was immediate. He stopped crying, took a deep breath, and began to calm down. A couple of hours later, he came to me and said, “I’m sorry I acted that way, but I really don’t want her to leave for college.”
It hit me like a ton of bricks. He had seen me cry, seen his sister cry, and had heard us talk about her leaving for years. Yet, I hadn’t realized how deeply he was feeling it himself.
When Kids’ Tantrums Test Your Limits
Moments like these remind us that tantrums aren’t just “bad behavior.” They are often a child’s way of expressing overwhelming emotions they can’t yet articulate. Even when a tantrum seems extreme—like when a neighbor’s kid is screaming loudly or yelling for help—it’s important to remember that the child is struggling, not trying to manipulate or embarrass anyone.
In fact, I once heard a story about a neighborhood kid having a tantrum and screaming for help. The kid’s tantrum escalated to the point where their cries sounded like they were in serious distress. Neighbors grew concerned, some even questioning if it was a sign of abuse. But in reality, the child was expressing feelings of fear and frustration that they didn’t know how to manage. The situation highlighted how crucial it is for parents to stay calm and regulated during these moments—not just for their child’s sake but also to model emotional control for those around them.
Using ANCHOR and HARBOR in Emotional Moments
This moment reinforced for me the importance of self-regulation. Instead of reacting impulsively, I anchored myself to be a safe harbor for him. When I stayed calm and focused on connection, I gave him the space to express what he couldn’t put into words during his outburst. I recall countless child development experts emphasizing that every behavior a child exhibits has an underlying reason.
Here’s how the ANCHOR and HARBOR frameworks can guide you through moments like this:
ANCHOR: Ground Yourself First
- Awareness of body: Notice your physical response (e.g., tense muscles, fast breathing).
- Name what is happening: Identify your emotions—frustration, fear, or helplessness.
- Connect to your sensory calming tool: Take a few deep breaths, count to 10, or focus on something grounding.
- Honor the process: Acknowledge that this moment is tough but also an opportunity for growth.
- Open to connection: Stay present and emotionally available for your child.
- Recommit to your child and the moment: Focus on supporting them, not controlling the situation.
HARBOR: Be Their Safe Space
- Hold space: Let them express their emotions without interruption or judgment.
- Accept what is: Release fear of failure or judgment and trust the process.
- Remember sensory tools: Offer something soothing like a hug, soft tone, or a calming object.
- Be low, slow, and soft: Lower your voice, slow your movements, and use gentle tones.
- Open to connection: Reassure your child you’re there for them.
- Remind them of safety: Help them feel secure in your love and presence.
Why Self-Regulation Matters
When parents self-regulate, it sets the tone for the entire interaction. Children learn that big emotions are manageable and that their parents are a safe place to turn during distress.
Previously when I had resorted to yelling and and sending a kid throwing a tantrum to their room, it only escalated the situation. My reactive behavior likely made my kids feel unsafe and unable to process or express their true emotions. This time, I was more aware of my body and reactions. By anchoring myself, I could offer my son the calm presence he needed to work through his emotions.
Takeaways for Parents
- Pause before reacting: When emotions run high, take a moment to ground yourself before responding.
- Focus on connection: Your calm presence can be the lifeline your child needs during a tantrum.
- Trust your instincts: Sometimes, the first thought that comes to mind—like my question about my son’s sister—can open the door to understanding.
- Be compassionate with others: If you witness a neighbor kid having a tantrum or hear alarming screams, remember that tantrums can sound extreme but are often part of a child’s emotional processing.
By anchoring yourself and being a safe harbor, you can navigate even the most challenging moments with your child. You’ll not only help them feel seen and supported but also model resilience and emotional regulation—skills that will serve them for a lifetime.
What has helped you stay calm during your child’s tantrums? Let’s continue the conversation—share your tips or experiences below!
