In today’s world, the definition of success is often unclear, especially for young people. Redefining success in a world of unrealistic expectations can provide a strong foundation for your entire family’s growth and future. Social media’s unrealistic portrayals of success can further complicate things by masking the struggles behind achievements. Society tends to value high grades, athletic success, and excellence in extracurricular activities, but these markers of success don’t always reflect what’s truly important to families. Many families I speak to don’t even realize that these societal pressures are contributing to stress and feelings of inadequacy. Instead of focusing on external expectations, redefining success based on your family’s values, and your child’s individual strengths, passions, and interests, can be a refreshing and healthy path forward. This approach fosters resilience, reduces stress, and supports better mental health.
Have you ever taken a moment to define success for yourself or your child? Understanding what success means to both parents and kids can be an eye-opening exercise. In parenting workshops I offer, I ask parents and children to define success. Many parents were surprised to see that their kids valued achievements like good grades, college acceptance, athleticism, and popularity more than qualities like kindness or giving back—values parents often prioritize.
This difference in perspectives is an opportunity for families to connect, communicate, and align their values. Here’s a simple activity you can do to define or redefine success with your child:
How to Define/Redefine Success with Your Child:
- Set aside 10 minutes to sit down and talk with your child.
- Ask your child what qualities and achievements they believe define success.
- Encourage them to create their own list of what makes someone successful.
- Share your own list of qualities and achievements that define success for your child.
- Compare the lists. Look for similarities and differences.
While it’s great when the lists align, differences can spark important conversations. One mother shared how her daughter ranked straight A’s and attending a “good” college as her top measures of success. The mother, however, valued traits like kindness, self-confidence, and a strong work ethic above academic achievements. This discussion helped both of them redefine success. The daughter felt relieved when her mom emphasized finding a college that matched her interests and personality rather than focusing on prestige.
Navigating Unrealistic and Realistic Expectations for Success
Conversations about success can be a real eye-opener for parents. One mother realized that without ongoing discussions about what success truly means, outside influences—such as peers, coaches, teachers, and social media—might define it for her child. Another parent reflected on how she placed the highest value on grades and athletic achievements as markers of her daughter’s success, a mindset shaped by societal values like financial status, prestigious job titles, and elite colleges. While these external measures aren’t inherently wrong, relying solely on them can overshadow what truly matters to a family.
Redefining Success Based on Strengths and Interests
It’s crucial for families to reflect on their own values and align them with their child’s unique strengths and interests. Doing so fosters a healthier, more resilient mindset for both parents and children. This shift helps reduce feelings of failure and replaces them with a sense of empowerment, recognizing that success looks different for everyone. In a world that often prioritizes external markers of achievement, such as grades and job titles, redefining success is especially important for developing brains. External pressures can harm self-esteem, increase stress, and contribute to mental health challenges. By valuing personal strengths and individual interests, families can build a foundation for lifelong resilience and well-being.
Empower Your Child to Redefine Success to Fit Their Individual Path
As your child grows, it’s crucial to keep an open dialogue about what’s truly important. By understanding each other’s perspectives, parents can guide their children toward becoming lifelong learners rather than focusing solely on climbing the success ladder. This helps build resilience, as children feel empowered to define their own path in a complex and sometimes overwhelming world.
Encouraging your child to think critically about success, and aligning their values, is a powerful step toward fostering both resilience and good mental health in today’s challenging world.
Adapted from the book, Persuasive Push vs. Shameless Shove: A New Parenting Paradigm. Find our more about this book here
