It’s a Tale as Old as Time…..

It’s a tale as old as time…This is the response of a parent to my concern over the nasty parent behavior we were witnessing at one of my children’s competitive team events. Two thoughts crossed my mind to her response:

 1) Since it is part of a song  from Beauty and The Beast  it would have fit right into the fairytale- esque  themes in the book, Tales From Swankville,  I wrote 13 years ago on poor parent behavior.  Tales is a collection of humorous and poignant essays inspired by my co-author and my own experiences as mothers in suburbia where parents blur the lines between encouragement and competitiveness, assertiveness and aggression, common sense and a sense of entitlement. It also is based upon comments and recollections by many of my students who survived youth athletics with their feedback to help the next generation of parents and athletes.

2) I don’t believe the poor parental behavior on the sideline of youth sports is “a tale as old as time.” 

Sports were created to give kids something to do and places to go so they wouldn’t get in trouble. They also were created to teach life lessons. There has always been a parent who may call out something contrary to a referee’s call. I remember it happening at my sporting events……………… to a degree. That is the key phrase-to a degree. Back when I played sports, no parent ever yelled at a referee or questioned a coach’s line up or decisions. My parents wouldn’t have dared. They appreciated my coaches as people, volunteers and as an expert in the sport. My teammates and I never had to experience that awful feeling in our stomacs that many young athletes today describe feeling when a parent interrupts a game let alone when it is their own parent. As the stakes have gotten higher for parents,(consider the time and money they invest in their young athletes)  over the years, yelling at coaches and referees, has escalated into much nastier and even more violent actions than just being a tale as old as time. Where would we be as a society if we just accept poor and even harmful behavior just because it is a” tale as old as time”? Unfortunately, I think taking a look at our world right now, answers this question. Values and selflessness are not as important as they once were-to say the least. 

Thirteen years ago, during my daughter’s competitive soccer game, when she was 9 years old, parents were swearing at referees. The ref stopped the game and asked the parents to please stop doing so. I will never forget the looks on the players’ faces. It was a mix of confusion, fear, and disbelief. Today, I came across a story about a local referee punching a parent after a JV basketball game.  While no physical or emotional harm is ever okay, I can imagine a referee or a coach being so fed up with parental sideline behavior that they may feel like punching a parent in the face. Again, no-one should be punching or yelling at anyone-especially a volunteer.

When I was an instructor at a local college, I would hand my students an article about pressure to achieve and asked them to write their thoughts. They didn’t receive any points for the assignment. It was purely for discussion. Some of the positive comments my students had to share were “I loved seeing my parents in the stands cheering me on.” “I loved the pizza parties with the teams and families after the game whether we won or lost.”   The comments that are just as significant but more negative,” I dreaded the car ride home.” “I hated the car ride home.”  “My dad always had negative feedback for me on the car  ride home and I just wanted out of the car.”   This feedback from my students mirrors research by Bruce E. Brown and Rob Miller of Proactive Coaching. In their research, they determined six simple words that parents can say to produce the most positive results in their performing children. After interacting with athletes, they report, “College athletes were asked what their parents said that made them feel great , that amplified their joy during and after a ballgame. Their overwhelming response: I LOVE TO WATCH YOU PLAY!”  That’s it. Nothing else. No feedback. No critique. A wise parent would leave that part to the highly skilled and capable coach. Instead, let your child know you simply love to watch them play. I can not imagine the parents I see on the sidelines agreeing with this research let alone actually trying it out. In fact, I recently spoke to a local athletic team’s parents and shared this research with them. Many looked sheepish and one mom pointed at her husband as he giggled guiltily. It’s not funny. The aggression from parents is hurting their kids mentally and physically. There is too much ego on the sidelines. There I wish we could change a parent’s belief that so much is at stake when their child is simply playing a game. This partially comes from the increased financial and personal investment I mentioned earlier. I wish parents could remember to focus more on the joy of watching their kid play the sport they like and may or may not be good at. As we know, very few will get that coveted “full ride scholarship” let alone any scholarship. Focus on the process not the outcome. However, I continue to share this wise insight from the researchers and from my students to parents I work with. I have adapted it myself as a parent and it’s so liberating for my child and me.

Today, 13 years later, I am a Nationally Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach and a Jai Institute of Parenting Coach. I work with parents all over the country about their stress or their child’s stress and mental health. It is not a tale as old as time but many times, the stress and pressure the kids feel comes back to sports and pressure to perform/achieve/succeed at all costs. Although kids continue to feel pressure as young athletes, parents continue to behave badly on the sidelines. There is one more bad actor in this equation:  the people and organizations that run the sports. One of my clients, who lives in Texas, told me about a contract she was asked to fill out for her 8 year old daughter’s cheer team. Now, for many reasons, contracts are an understandable part of any kind of sport. However, she told me she hesitated when she was asked to sign off on part of the contract that asked her to monitor her daughter’s food intake and her weight. I am so glad she not only hesitated, but she decided against signing her daughter up at that gym. Weight and food intake should not be monitored for anything other than health by a health practitioner. Even so, as a nutrition teacher and public health professional, I can say that no food should be restricted nor should an organization be monitoring an 8 year old child’s weight. When people other than a health professional ask parents to monitor food and weight, it is not only inappropriate, it is a  recipe for all sorts of potential mental and physical health disasters.

In summary, society has changed over time. Parenting, let alone our world has changed. Poor parent behavior, pressure to achieve at any cost and stress on kids is not a tale as old as time. Sadly, it is a much newer and unhealthy phenomenon than prior generations has seen in the sport or society world at large. We can do better by focusing on the point of athletics-to learn life lessons and to HAVE FUN!! Don’t forget to simply enjoy watching your athlete play their sport. You are missing a precious time in their life when you let your ego or investment take over.