I CanOnly Imagine The Pain Behind His Beautiful Smile

Look at this happy face. This does not look like someone hurting inside. My daughter woke me up to the news that Twitch , our favorite dancer from So You Think You Can Dance(SYTYCD) and the DJ from the Ellen Show has taken his life. The same panic came over me as it did when 2 people close to our family took their lives. I can’t catch my breath and it saddens me at a very deep level. 

We didn’t know Twitch personally, but he represents happy days with my daughter in her younger years as she loved to dance and we continued to follow him on the Ellen show.She begged me to take her to watch the SYTYCD cast mates perform when they toured the country. He was known for his talent, good nature and his big black glasses which she made for herself to wear in support of him at the performance.  

There are so many contributing factors that go into a person taking their own life. While I don’t know Twitch’s situation or the exact reasons our two family friends took their own lives, I have helped many of my students, friends, and friends' kids over the years to some degree with mental health struggles.

Here’s the thing I want to say that I find to be the most powerful in helping people with mental health struggles- WE All HAVE MENTAL HEALTH.  If you are reading this, you have a brain therefore you have mental health . One thing it really comes down to is understanding the brain, your own mental health and understanding healthy and unhealthy coping skills. Mental health is part of our health and we need to understand it just like we understand physical health.

Of course multiple factors make this much more complicated than just having a brain. Genetics, learned behaviors, biology, trauma, family influences and upbringing all contribute to our mental health condition. The list of risk factors and contributing factors to mental health conditions goes on and on. I’m not a psychologist so that’s as far as I can go with that. However, I am a trained Health Coach and Health Educator with 30 years of experience educating and helping people with chronic health conditions. In the last 10 years, depression and anxiety have become identified as chronic health conditions. The Pandemic helped give more people the courage to own their mental health challenges and seek help. However, it also has contributed to many more people feeling isolated and feeling more of the tough emotions which the majority of us don’t know what to do with. We don’t recognize the multiple sneaky symptoms that we may dismiss as headaches or fatigue when it often is much more than that. There needs to be more discussion about how mental health conditions even temporarily may present themselves so they can be addressed and prevented from becoming worse. 

When I design and teach Health and Wellness Curricula,I intentionally spend an extra week or longer on the mental health unit. The kids want it and need it. The discussions are always open, comfortable and revealing, but not easy. In class, we define and discuss mental health stigmas, risk factors, various mental health conditions, contributing factors and both healthy and unhealthy coping techniques. I always invite an ER doctor to address the overdoses and improperly treated mental health situations due to patients either not medicating or self medicating. I also invite a psychologist (my late Dad-one of the best there will ever be) or a trained therapist to address the mental health areas that they specialize in. Students would always stay after class or reach out to me or the doctors with more questions.  Their generation may be hurting more openly, but they also are braver in discussing their mental health.

I have taught and or interactted with close to 1,800 or more students over the last 15 years regarding their mental health or mental health amongst their peers. This has made me privy to  knowledge of how many young people are suffering with their mental health which also can manifest physically. Interestingly, many students wanted to share openly they are medicated for a diagnosed mental health condition and/or seeing a therapist. I never initiated this part of the conversation because it would be inappropriate for me to. During my first few class discussions on these sensitive topics, I had no idea so many students were indeed dealing with a mental health condition, let alone they would discuss it voluntarily and authentically. You know what this authenticity did for these students? It helped normalize the mental health conditions or feelings they were dealing with around their situation. It was like a collective breath of relief was shared by all. Their bravery helped students who didn’t share but certainly experienced similar struggles. It is normal and it is okay. We all struggle at some point.The fact that these young people are open and honest about it gives me hope for the future. We are not all there yet as far as owning it and sharing it. We don’t have to be. We do need to be informed, educated and self-aware so we can help ourselves and others. We could also be more thoughtful toward others and their journey which would help decrease the damaging stigma which contributes to many people not seeking healthy coping strategies. They will inevitably turn to unhealthy coping strategies instead because we are human and we do not  want to hurt. 

Our ancestors couldn’t have pain because they wouldn’t live long if they did. Thus, it is in our nature as humans to not want to hurt.Instead we will do what we instinctively can to feel better.   The truth is to be human is to hurt and just like physical pain, we have mental pain. We have to make room for people to seek the proper help to manage the mental pain just as they would their physical pain. The two types of pain are no different. It is just how society views them which may be why there is a stigma and so many people are less informed. I know I was before I taught college and high school students over these years before adolescent mental health was declared an epidemic. 

The fact that my students would own their therapy and mental health medications can be viewed as alarming or healthy. I choose to view it as healthy given the latest statistic that one in three adolescents are battling a mental struggle. The number of high school students who reported an increase of persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness increased by 40% in 10 years, According to the Surgeon General.

When I was growing up, our belief system around mental health was that it happened to other people. People didn't think it existed in their family. We have come a long way from this, at least as far as being able to acknowledge it.  The truth is mental health conditions are in everyone’s family, like it or not. If you know this, you can help someone or you may be enlightened why they cope a certain way. 

Twitch comes as a real shock to most of us who only know his famous persona. Of course, it may or may not come as a shock to those closest to him. My point is someone like Twitch had the means to seek help. He seemed to have loving supporters and a joy for life. We need to normalize mental health struggles and we need to own that we all have mental health just as we have physical health. In fact, the two are very tightly intertwined.  As I continue to learn about the brain in my coaching certification classes, I realize how this outlook is not widely seen. Most of us don’t think of mental health as part of health that can be prevented or treated unless someone is blatantly acting differently or is brave enough to share their battle. To change this conversation, I think we need to reflect on a time we each have had stress that led to bigger emotions and take a  look at how we coped with it and how we cope with stress or tough feelings on a daily basis.

Ask yourself how do I unwind after a tough day or just a normal day?  Perhaps a friend you know or their child is on anxiety or depression medications and you think , “Oh I feel badly for them.”  I would like to encourage all of us to change that thought process. Instead, I hope we can see admire of the bravery it took for that family to recognize their pain and get the help they need. It does not make them weak, sick or crazy. It makes them a brave, healthy human experiencing normal human emotions before they become unhealthy.  

As humans, we are hardwired to not feel pain. In fact, we will do anything to feel better.  So if we are unaware of our mental health and signs or symptoms of a mental health condition (due to the myriad of factors) then we will seek something to feel better and ease the pain.  If we aren’t informed on mental health being a part of our health and not just a condition, then we may not seek the medication which could adjust the brain’s serotonin or dopamine levels appropriately. This is exactly what medicine does for a person with Diabetes which is  a physical condition occurring when the pancreas doesn’t release enough of the hormone insulin. After we eat food our body digests it into its simplest form of glucose which is how the body gets energy. The symptoms for a person with Diabetes are recognized and treated . I hope we can get to the same place for mental health conditions and recognize the hormones in our brains and gut are lacking and we don’t feel well so we may need some medicine or treatment for it. I want to clarify, I am qualified to recognize when someone should be medicated nor am I suggesting everyone should be on depression, anxiety or other medications for their mental health. And we all need to feel pain to some degree, as it helps with other parts of life. If it gets in the way of everyday functioning then it is a problem and you should seek medical or psychiatric help.

I am suggesting we not stigmatize people who are brave enough to be on medication when prescribed appropriately for their mental health.  The judging and stigmatizing in this area of health is so incredibly harmful and likely a contributing factor as to why someone in extreme mental health discomfort is unable to stick to healthy coping techniques such as medicine, therapy and other such treatments.  

I find it interesting that many people are still caught in this stigmatized thinking. Think of the huge alcohol industry in our country. Alcohol is served at the majority of social events we attend. I know many people who have their nightly drinks. Perhaps it is their coping mechanism and when done in moderation and without certain risk factors to accompany it , a drink or two may be fine. However,on the other end of this self-medicating spectrum,  and the other end of it is  HUGEt, alcohol is a HUGE contributing factor to unintended injury and death. In fact motor vehicle deaths are the number one cause for unintended deaths. What do you think the culprit is for motor vehicle deaths? Driving under the influence. I find it fascinating that alcohol use and abuse is much more accepted in our country than a diagnosis of a mental health condition and taking medication and therapy is. 

We could save so many lives from tragic and unnecessary deaths and families from this excruciating pain if we could open our minds to information about what mental health really is. Like I said, we all have brains so we all have mental health. Understanding the risk factors for diagnosable mental health conditions is a key to  changing the conversation around mental health, stigma and treatment for it.  We will all experience anxiety and even depression to some degree in our lives. I had postpartum depression and know first hand how it feels to hurt mentally and not be understood . I found sharing this with my students and health coaching clients helped them feel more comfortable sharing which allowed everyone to learn more about our brains and mental health. Waking up to this very sad news about Twitch has made today a hard day for Twitch’s family. We don’t know his story and we may not ever know. It impacted me greatly today because I enjoyed his dancing and his kind eyes and huge smile and what seemed a zest for life.  It shows us, we never really know what is going on in even the happiest, most seemingly successful people. Losing loved ones to suicide is one of the most devastating deaths and funerals you could attend. Being educated and thoughtful and an ear for someone who is struggling is one of the best gifts you can give someone. On the other hand, if you struggle with mental health conditions, you can always find someone who will listen and care.Remember mental health is part of being human and we all hurt emotionally. There is nothing wrong with you. You are human and you are being authentic with your struggle. It will pass and you will find joy again, but the pain or struggle may require professional help so, please reach out to someone even if it is someone you don’t know. It is so painful to feel mental pain and can be so isolating. I am so sad Twitch felt so alone in his final hours. We lost another person that we should not have lost to suicide. Let’s change the conversation.

If you are based in the USA, and you or someone you know needs mental health assistance right now, call National Suicide Prevention Helpline on 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The Helpline is a free, confidential crisis hotline that is available to everyone 24 hours a day, seven days a week.